What I wanted to say

I wanted to say, I am not your daughter. I am not your girlfriend, I am not your toy, I am NOT an alternative when your little blue pill doesn't work for you. My sanity has been compromised for decades and its not my fault its YOURS. YOU are to blame for the HELL I have been through since birth. you may be some "different kind of breed" but whatever that is, I am NOT of that breed. I am not your "GIRL", I am NOT an object here for your pleasure. I was not born just to bring you happiness. What you were doing was not "teaching me" that life is beautiful. You were teaching a disgusting lesson. You knew you were wrong, you didn't care. You did it anyway. you left me scarred, confused, guilty, hating myself for years. you may have spent one night in jail, ONE NIGHT!... I have been locked in a prison for decades!, with no parole!. I have written letters to you over and over again just trying to get the ANGER out, the HURT out, with little to NO comfort. yet you live your life free and clear every day no repercussion. I am supposed to just sit next to you and smile like everything is peachy keen every time you are around, but it isn't. and it wont be ever again. you don't deserve to have a label stating your relationship to me you SICK BASTARD. father, brother or even sperm donor is NOT acceptable. you are nothing more than the monster under my bed and in my head. you don't deserve freedom. you don't deserve the air we breathe. you deserve to be castrated with all the other pedophiles. with no pain meds. just stick your head in a vice so you cant get away and have a rusty pair of scissors chop all that dangles right off. I have no sympathy for you. you are sick, twisted and vile!!!. your mouth should be sewn shut with a dull needle so you never have the chance to utter another word or brain wash another person with one bit of the bull shit you speak. your hands should be removed at the wrists so you can never touch another human being again. and your feet should be removed at the ankles so you cant run away when those demons come to get you. karma is a bitch and shes got your name on her list!

sometimes....

there's a lot to be said for a positive attitude...yet sometimes its just hard to find it... I couldn't help myself when I saw this... I had to post it. toooo cute and true!

HEY LOOK...

SQUIRL!

JESUS jumping on a po-go-stick! I need some mascara!

yup... i was surfin the LOLcats and theres just sooooo much to see.... and learn. ha.

yeah... i need to exercize...

so where do i get one of these dogs?... or Asian men.... either one.

nuff said

Smurfs made me do it!!!!

My friend Persnickity and I had a convo the other night about her strength and the simple idea she had not yet taken a baseball bat to FCB's (fat cranky bastard) head. Kinda like the comedien Gallager with his sledge-o-matic to a watermellon. Wether its those silly morals or the lack of ownership of a bat is to be determined later. anyhoo, I told her i could see the headlines "Woman arrested for domestic battery, claimes God made her do it". She said, nah, I'd tell em Papa Smurf made me do it. This of course caused me to errupt in laughter to the point of drooling because in my head I pictured a cartoon version of her decked out in blue latex (like a member of the BlueMan group) and a smurf hat, dancing around FCB's body and singing the smurfs theme song. Laa la la la la la, Laaa la laaa la laaaa.....
Being that this mental picture occured just before a night time nap, my brain responded with subconscioius thoughts of surfs. In the dream, I had to philosiphy the whole village senario, like, was all the different personalities of smufs combinable to make up the whole of a person? like papa being our wisdom and smurfette being our feminine side etc... As the dream went on there was many different oppinions formed about the whole smurfy situation, but the picture that remains in my head the most at this point is was the whole village gay? They were all males except smurfette... was she a dominatrix of sorts? I can actually see smurfette dressed in a black leather cat-woman suit, cracking a whip at Heafty smurf screaming, "SAY MY NAME, YOU BLUE BITCH! SAY MY NAME!!!!!!!

no wonder I dont sleep much.....



song: smurf theme song

CHECK PLEASE!

Finally!!!! the ceremony is in may... but the classes are OVER for now. I made it through, I passed my National Board exam, and all I have to do for now is wait on my licence so I can work. well... theres that and the whole "what are you going to do with your future" question mom and dad keep asking. Dad wants me to continue with school. ok... i have no problem with that, im in debt up past my eyeballs with student loans that i will be paying until i retire anyway, so, whats another several thousand added on at this point anyway, right? plus, i have been wanting to check a bit more into that whole acupuncture/hellraiser kinda modality anyway and there are some good schools out there...so...its a plan.

song: time of your life, green day

fear

does it frighten you to know someone knows you,
almost as well as you know yourself?
maybe even better at times?
is it awkward or scary to realize,
that someone knows what you see, hear, feel, and know?
the nightmares, the screams, the panic, the cold sweats
the taste, the smell, the feel, of a breath
the echoing sound and chills up your spine,
the thoughts of tortures that never leave your mind
the self induced comas featuring daily flashbacks.
it doesn't go away.
not completely.
not for long.
alone its too hard to bear...
yet just as equally disturbing,
its too difficult to share
no one wants to give that burden to anyone else.
who would want to take it?
why would anyone ask for such twisted torment?
no one really does.
some just eventually give in and accept.
its just how its going to be
aching for those arms that cradle you tight,
the kiss on the forehead, making it all right?
they will always be there, unafraid of the fear
used to what is and what will be
stronger than self accreditation,
but aware.

tonight in class....

yes, we are FINALLY studying TCM... aka traditional Chinese medicine. I have been looking forward to this ever since i started school. so, tonight we had a guest speaker who is an acupuncture physician. she was awesome. we saw demos of cupping... where they slather you in oil and then light a fire under a glass jar then quickly stick it to your skin.... ultimately causing little hicky like circulars all over your body... like getting into a fight with a sex driven vacuum cleaner hose. (not that i know first hand what that like or anything) ahem, but the goal of that is similar to a deep tissue massage. then we all got treated to poking action with little needles. absolutely painless, but each and every one of had a seperate type of treatment and yet all ended up looking similar to horror movie star boy up top there. its was cool though.
i even feel like i can breathe a little better after having my swollen internally bruised ribs poked. at one time i had over 70 needles in my back. the ones that she put on my face and head felt a little odd... but still no pain. rethinking this years Halloween costume now... hmmm get a acupuncture treatment AND candy at the same time.... genious!

amendment to POS post

apropo....

Announcement to POS punks...

Feeling the need to vent.
To the two punk ass POS bastards that sat on my porch waiting to be caught last night at 1am, what the fucking hell were you doing? did you honestly think a house with iron bars would be easier to get into from the back? or were you just poor unfortunate souls looking randomly for a space heater to warm your hands during the night? did you know there was a tv back there or was that bonus "score" when you walked in? did you know i was home alone or was that a fucking surprise that i was even there at all? how long had you been watching me perched like the cat ready to pounce?
I hope the whiny ass one of the two of you wusses up and rats you both out. maybe your asses would both get a real date in prison since the two of you obviously need each other to restrain a woman in your presence for any length of time, maybe they'd let you share a cell. is that the only way you get any action? by having your little buddies hold her back so you can effectively beat the life out of her first?? how sad.
the only reason you were on the receiving end of my knee and not a steel shank to the scrotum is because the knee was faster. next time i wont be so fucking gentle. you'll be lucky if you DO catch a fucking bullet to the brain!

i would apologise for the use of such profanity and the lack of an LOL cat, but frankly im not in the mood for cuddly kittehs and cute captions and as far as the language goes... i honestly dont give a fucking flying rats ass right now...

Pyro mania has begun....

Tis the season for bon fires and beer pong....cuz its cold outside and some people have nothing better to do than to set things on fire,drink heavily and break the "ye old fashioned traditions" of basic camp fire history. I stayed with a friend last night... there was supposed to be at least 5 if not more people all together hanging out and building a fire and just having a good ol time, however she an I ended up being the only two there, unless you count those that were there through the spirit form of text messages. we still managed to have a good time though. Floridas weather is typically known as the warm, humid and whatever.... lost my thought there.... anyway, last night was cold. the ground was wet, and thus, so was everything on the burn pile. however that isnt anything a tank of gas cant fix. we had almost given up completely on getting the fire started with our dinkey little lighters, trying to get a wet christmas tree a blaze. we were going to just go play pool instead. but the call of the burnt marshmallows drove us to keep trying.we found the gas can... me being the less clumsey of the two of us, offered to get that pile on fire while she went and got the nachos ready. thats right, i said nachos. we dont do weenies on a stick at our bonfires...we do nachos... and an occasional marshmallow or two. the burn pile wasnt all that big, just a few boxes, some small scraps of wood and the christmas tree wrapped in plastic... so i doused it... lit the end of some notebook paper... tossed that in and BOOYAH! nice warm big flame! we pulled the car up and started some tunes... talked sweetly to the cows, (which we didnt tip...even though that was discussed) enjoyed a few drinks... and our nachos! after feverishly attempting to continue feeding the fire with gas for a little over an hour we decided to let it go out and give up for the night. so we joked about being firemen... finding em hot, and leaving em wet... ahem. cough. then headed in for the night to watch tv and eventually pass out in the middle of text messaging our spirit buddies. thankfully the only mishap of the night was accidentally catching the gas can on fire... luckily there was no boom, and she managed to catch the toe of her boot on fire... im still not so sure how... but no animals or humans were injured in the making of our fire. it may not have actually been snowing... but with the ashes floating back down to earth... it was nice to pretend. all in all we had a good time and probably will do it again...next time we will add more wood though.


song: the roof is on fire

universal precautions necessary

sometimes, you can put too much thought into something, and it can really take hold of your mind. this can turn out disastrous, or extremely funny depending on the state of your mind at the time you are inserting such said extra thought.
for instance... in mentioning to someone that i had been in contact via text messages with a common acquaintance we both shared, she asked, did you wash your hands after that one???? now... it took a second, but when it occurred to me the path she was taking this convo down.... my mind being the odd labyrinth it is... took off running...in circles. now granted, the acquaintance and myself did no such thing as textual intercourse, so im really in no danger of any textually transmitted diseases, however i guess a little text-itis might be in order, but a little rest will take care of that.... its the text-ydia and text-orreah that needs the text-icillian treatments and probably months of therapy.... but like i said... im in no danger. besides.... dont they make pro-text-ion for that kinda thing... people just need to be safe.... its a dangerous world out there now a days.



song: text me

C.N.A. (Cat Nip Annon...)

uh huh... its that time of year again for the public service announcements to pop out and invade your t.v. and warn you of the dangers of doing drugs.... this is your brain... this is your brain on catnip.....




song: tripping out

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!! 2009

I went out with my best friend last night, we were both DD's. She was the designated driver, I was the designated Drunk.... had a pretty good time too, unlike the last couple of times that Ive allowed myself to really enjoy the sauce, and lost touch a little bit with reality, I held everything together all night and was a silly, happy, lil, intoxicated moose. now, obviously, that isn't the purpose of this blog, cuz if it were, well....it's just boring. ok, so you had fun, whoopie... blah blah blah, what? no drama?!?!? yeah, if you know me at all you knowwww, I cant go 5 feet without being surrounded by it. if Im not, then something is wrong. My baby's momma seems to think that drama follows me around like a lost little puppy dog waiting to be fed or pet or adopted.... good thing I prefer cats..... the two of us escaped the confining teeth guarding our residences for the evening, for her... Fat Cranky Bastard, for me... MOM. so we ran like rain in monsoon season to the a little bar, that I have yet to go into... but it didnt look so inviting. Plus the barrage of gunfire outside echoing from both sides of the neighborhood just clued us in that it might be safer to bring in the new year at our usual watering hole... so, down the road we went again.... running so fast fred flintstone would have thought he was driving a hemi.... I ran into several acquaintances, made new friends, watched an o.k. drag show, sang in the piano bar, even ran into a teacher from high school that I hadnt seen in 15 years. As we were winding down the party and getting ready for a pilgrimage to the flaming anus restaurant that we are brave enough to dine at on intoxicating nights, someone I usually tend to avoid because he just creeps me out decided to share something with me.
Now, he's drunk, and I usually dont believe ANYTHING he utters... but I found (in my dizzy state) his comment shocking, yet possibly not far from reality. i'll get back to the details in a min. we left the bar and were headed to the mess hall, and I received a call from someone, but didnt know who, however, this individual didnt know they called me... see, they wuz drunker than I. but she left a voice mail, which, me being silly, I listened to the whole thing like a fly on the wall and tried to explain to my friend what was going on...(prolly not so well though.) and after that, she brought my woozy memory to the forehead saying, hey... why dont you call "stalker kitteh" (old friend) and let her know or inquire as to relevance of "drunk dudes" comment...
so...I did. well, actually I text her first. then she called me in shock about what I had heard. it seems, her ex had visited drunk dude one night and had a fling that resulted in pregnancy. but the story she had from the ex, was that it had resulted as of a not so good night out of state while they were split up.
so what I was understanding her is that "stalker kitteh" knew the ex was prego....but just found out it was by an adulterous act that occured before they were ex's... and not in another state against her will.
well.... after blowing her new years to smitherines.... and randomly since we hadnt really spoken in a while, she says shes going to call her best friend and get back to me.
and this afternoon I began to wonder what had happened with said situation.... so I tried calling her back. Her phone is shut off. disconnected. so I called a mutual friend of ours to inquire about her situation. this friend now informs me that.... get this.... "prego" was not "stalker kitteh's" ex, they were still currently together.
all i can say it ut-oh.
this just went from bad to worse...
ok... and speaking of said situation, i just recieved another call from "stalker kitteh" and it seems that yes, her and "prego" are.... ex's after all.... so....
anyway... this drama cud go on for hours... but im going to go out of this blog saying.... dont do drunk calls. it just aint safe.
happy new year...
and im going to the bar for another drink.
goodnight all!



song: you only call me when youre drunk